Not Your Average Gal

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Your Story Is Mine Too

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Most people will be surprised to hear I was pregnant. We told very few people and even fewer knew we had officially decided to enter the wild arena of parenthood. I hesitated even sharing my story because it’s still very much raw, the kind of raw that only the course of time will smooth the painful edges a bit.

The only shred of comfort I’m given is my confidence in the strength of women sharing their stories. There is absolutely no force more powerful than women united. 

I joked with my husband that this was one of the most well-thought-out pregnancies in the world. It took us over a decade to decide, through the rigors of his med school and residency training, finally feeling comfortable enough with my writing career, and discussing”at nauseating length”whether or not we should shake up our life and bring a life in our little corner of the world. We both happily came to the conclusion that we wanted to take on parenthood. 

It happened quickly. So quickly that I will forever defend all the other freaked out women who have the audacity to choose not to become a mother or wait until after 35 to become one. No, my ovaries did not, in fact, shrivel into my insides and dissolve into dust once I hit 35. Even 40! 

I was just over two months pregnant when the spotting started to be a concern. At first, it fell into the normal range”if anything can fall into that category during your first pregnancy”but on that day it became concerning enough that my ER doc husband said I should go to the ER.

I couldn’t even go to the ER he worked in. I wasn’t even home when this happened. I was visiting my sister who, as a former ICU nurse, was the best possible option to have by my side with my husband 2,500 miles away at home. 

Based on where I was in my pregnancy, it wasn’t clear from the ultrasounds and exams, if I was miscarrying. While the bleeding was concerning, it had stopped at that point. The final determination was to wait for what was supposed to be my very first scan with my own OBGYN at home only 4 days from now. Then, if I hadn’t miscarried, we could run all the same tests again and compare levels and measurements. I was both validated in my concerns and treated with respect.

The bleeding got worse the next morning. My contractions started later in the afternoon. I was sitting on a park bench alone, talking to my husband on the phone when the intense pressure began in my lower abdomen. I actively miscarried for the next 2 hours. The next morning I passed a sac with our gummy bear in it. The day after that, I flew home alone to Hawaii, one less passenger in my life. 

After 20+ hours of travel, I came home to a house as empty as my heart since my husband was on a 24-hr shift at the hospital taking care of patients with the same dignity and respect I received only days before. I crawled into bed amongst a backdrop of painful reminders I had forgotten about while I was gone: kind congratulations cards, pregnancy books piled on tabletops and proudly displayed positive pregnancy tests on the kitchen counter. (I took approximately 400, just to be sure.)

The bleeding and cramping would continue for a week and I’d been required to use those sort of maxi-pads you sheepishly tried to hide in your backpack in middle school. You know the ones thick enough to consider laying down on and taking a nap? I tossed the used pads into the same bathroom bin my pregnancy test wrappers were still in. A cruel reminder each time I went to pee.

My husband came home and joined me at my OBGYN appointment the next morning. The appointment that had been scheduled for over a month in advance. The one where we eagerly anticipated hearing a heartbeat. The one which had now turned into a miscarriage follow-up.

While finding a parking spot, we drove past people holding signs with quotes about women’s descent to hell. Some were wearing t-shirts emblazoned with scriptures about sinners. Posters, in all caps, screaming about the unborn. 

The unborn which this appointment would determine if my body had fully miscarried or I needed an intervention in order to prevent becoming septic.

My appointment confirmed that my cervix and empty uterus look great. (I can’t wait to put that on my resume one day.) I walked out with instructions to keep wearing the padded mattresses in my underwear and take ibuprofen as needed for the painful cramping; every pad change and intense cramp reminding me that I was no longer pregnant.

That was it. Our world had changed. While the world around us simultaneously carried on.

To be abundantly clear, my story is the best case scenario. 

And it was still one of the most traumatizing experiences of my life. 

I had great medical care and this was still awful. My amazing body took care of me and I’m still hurt this happened. I’m surrounded by a support network that includes healthcare workers and still find myself crying at random points in the day. I’m strong and this was a different kind of pain I wouldn’t wish on anyone.

While sitting at a red light contemplating the now-empty year ahead of us after my appointment, I asked my husband what would have happened if my body didn’t resolve this miscarriage, if my OB had seen that some tissue was left. 

In most cases, a D&C is performed soon.

A Dilation and Curettage (D&C) is a common procedure performed to stop bleeding and prevent infection, it dilates your cervix and removes all of the pregnancy tissue from your uterus. 

Outside the medical community many people aren’t aware of how often there is a medical need for it nor how often those whom you love have had one. What some may not understand is a D&C is an abortion. The word is a medical term. You will find this noted in a patient’s chart, on medical records and in basic medical terminology that has been used in the healthcare industry for decades.

Upwards of 20-40% of pregnancies end in miscarriage and nearly half require a medical intervention like a D&C that my body did not. 

Had I not miscarried completely, had some tissue been left behind in my uterus, had I not lived in nor been visiting a state that provides full reproductive healthcare after 6 weeks, my already painful experience would have been made unnecessarily worse or deadly. That is not an exaggeration peddled to create fear. It is a medical reality. 

It’s why we have the phrase: Abortion is healthcare.

Women die without these procedures. 

Just as we receive life-saving care after a heart attack or cancer diagnosis; abortions are performed to save the life of your mother, sister, daughter, friend or neighbor.

Physicians are now having to wait alongside their patients and watch them get sicker and sicker before being allowed to help, all while having the training and technology to prevent it from happening in the first place. We’re asking physicians to consult lawyers or a committee prior to medically intervening to save a woman’s life in order to get advice on if she has gotten just close enough to the brink of death before she qualifies for help. The fallacy of laws that allow exceptions for when a woman’s life is at risk, directly depends on who makes that call, and it can mean it’s not a physician. 

Women simultaneously provide life for the entire planet but are somehow told ours doesn’t matter.

In all of my extensive travels, and with all the chatter about who we are as a nation, I never would have considered my fellow Americans cruel. We may be a lot of things, but cruel isn’t one of them. 

Cruel is being put in a position while I’m miscarrying to wonder if I’ll even receive care based on the state I’m in. Cruel is allowing women to become septic, a condition that often requires an ICU stay and can be deadly, before intervening. Cruel is still bleeding between your legs or being forced to continue a pregnancy with fetal demise, and having to risk your own life by driving or flying hundreds of miles, in pain, to get the healthcare you need.

This notion to protect the unborn comes at a cost to the woman’s life who is carrying it. 

In the weeks following my miscarriage, I had to unsubscribe from all the pregnancy apps I excitedly downloaded. Reluctantly click that I’ve experienced pregnancy loss. Delete email updates that my baby is now 8 weeks and 3 days, which sat right above the email I received with my discharge documents from the hospital. Clear out my refrigerator with all the caffeine-free pregnancy options I stocked it with. (Pro-Tip: Sugar Free A&W Root Beer is legit.) I actually snapped this picture on a hike the day I miscarried to remind myself I will be okay. Since then, I’ve found myself aching to get outdoors more often in an attempt to calm the constant stream of questions I have about why this happened. 

I drove to Target this week because I got that gentle reminder email that the pick-up order I impulsively placed”and forgot about a millisecond thereafter”was about to be reshelved. On my way, I passed by my OBGYN clinic and saw it. They were out there again. Signs in all caps, lined up, side-by-side on the road, inescapable if you dared to enter to get a mammogram or pap smear or refill on your birth control. Or, in my case, to verify I had fully miscarried.

I wondered where the signs were for me. For the women carrying what they were shouting about. 

I was told by someone once that I would change my mind about abortion once I became pregnant. They are right. Now, more than ever, I am more entrenched in the radical notion that a woman can get to choose if she wants to live. To do what she wants with her own body. To know that the hardest decision a woman may ever make, isn’t yours.

We often talk casually about the strength of women; almost as if it’s expected, taken for granted. I found my own hero in the days and weeks after my miscarriage. She’s been in me the whole time but powerfully pushed through and made her presence known with pure grit. When I stop to think about how many other women do the same, under extraordinarily worse circumstances, it’s breathtaking.

Like the solidarity of passing a tampon under the stall door, I don’t need to know your story to support you, because your story is mine too. Maybe we don’t need giant signs in all caps because we know there will always be another woman outside that stall, ready to support us because they’ve been there.

We need to know you’re there. We need you to have our backs like we’ve had yours.

Those signs are your ballots. 

The quiet protest is your vote.

My 84-Mile Hike Across England to Recalibrate

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“I’ve never seen any life transformation that didn’t begin with the person in question finally getting sick of their own bullshit.”

– Elizabeth Gilbert

To say the last few months of my life have been transformative, would be an absolute understatement. I did what so many of us need to do more and took care of myself.

Not in the form of pedicures or a shopping spree or guzzling mimosas at brunch. (An effect of which is often fleeting.) 

I really took care of myself.

It meant evaluating what was working and what had slowly stopped, sputtering out like a car blowing smoke out the tailpipe and stalling in reverse. (I just described my first car, you guys. Let’s pour one out for my 1992 Chevy Corsica named Papa Smurf for its electric blue color. RIP Papa Smurf.)

Imagine me grabbing at anything that works or has previously worked in the past and going to my trusty coping toolbelt. 

  • Therapy: 1-2x a month
  • Exercise: Ran nearly 3x a week for all of 2021 and completed two 10K races and two 5K races, along with strength training sparsely patched in.
  • New hobbies: Took up painting and reading way more than I normally do.
  • Routine: Getting up around the same time and using my mornings for mediation and stretching.
  • Connection: Reached out to family and friends when I was feeling blue, even if it was just a Facetime call. Joined an IRL (In Real Life) group of fabulous humans while volunteering at vaccination clinics. I started this regular newsletter, which has been a shiny beacon for me and you, from what I hear.
  • Mixed up the everyday: Tried tons of new recipes, explored different areas to walk and hike, pushed myself to join new groups (even if it was only online) and renovated my office and dining room.

And guess what? It didn‘t work. It only helped me keep my head above water. 

And man, was I tired of treading water. By the beginning of 2022, I realized I absolutely didn’t feel like myself. I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror if I was even brave enough to look in it nor the thoughts I was having about humanity itself.

The 2.5 years of being in total isolation for the majority of the time, took a toll on me. For someone who loves her solitude, she quickly found out that isolation is very different from solitude, even if I was trying all the good things.

I couldn’t keep kidding myself that I was okay. I tricked myself into thinking I was doing well, covering up the pain with: SEE! I’m doing all-the-things-they-say-to-do. Look at me, self-care extraordinaire.

But by the start of this year, I let go of my pride in coping skills. I was done. Tired. I was sick of my own bullshit that I could continue to carry on, like I always have.

(See that great Elizabeth Gilbert quote above.) 

Isolation is a bitch. I used to think if I’d somehow committed a heinous crime”What? Totally normal thoughts!”that I’d be okay in solitary confinement. Boy, am I more confident of myself in my mind.

Because of my husband’s line of work, we very often were relegated to doing the heavy lifting of isolating ourselves. This was before and sadly even after vaccinations were available. With each surge, I had to cancel the few appointments or lunch meetups I had. Even as I became more confident and comfortable with larger gatherings as time went on, I dealt with the anxiety of wondering if my husband brought it home to me and I’d unknowingly passed it onto grandma during my single outing of the month.

Please know that this is absolutely not an overreaction. Nearly every single healthcare family goes through the same exact thing. After what doctors, nurses and hospital staff have seen in the last 2.5 years, it’s a very normal response. You want to protect your family and community. 

Which led to a very lonely existence for me. 

Which proved more painful again and again by watching people I love gather, gather and gather some more. Before vaccinations and after vaccinations during surges when hospitals and the CDC begged for people to stop getting together. They got to enjoy connection when we were alone. Our little healthcare family wasn’t considered during a Thanksgiving gathering or big blow out birthday party. And yet, we were considering them as we sat alone. 

It made me feel like we didn’t matter; that I didn’t matter. And I was isolated on an island in the middle of a huge ocean managing these thoughts and emotions.

This was compounded by the fact that there’s an underlying guilt to living in paradise, somewhere you wouldn’t consider leaving, surrounded by beaches and tropical jungle hikes. I felt incredibly ungrateful for being so sad.

No matter how resilient I am, how many healthy coping mechanisms I tried; it couldn’t erase the fact that I had moved 4,500 miles away to the most isolated island chain in the world during a years-long pandemic that prevented me from meeting more than a dozen people. 

(While the world seemed to carry on.)

Then I read some journals from my childhood at the beginning of this year for a big project I’m working on.

I saw in plain, black and white writing that for the vast majority of my life, I’ve been resilient. I’ve done the tough work. I’ve taken on responsibilities that weren’t mine because other adults weren’t willing to do it. I’ve carried the weight because it was the right thing to do.

It hit me like learning to drive a manual car that suddenly stalls out thrashing me forward only to leave me breathless and panicking that I’ve done the wrong thing.

I absolutely didn’t need to be resilient any longer. 

I was tired, and rightfully so.

I’d tried everything, hoping something would click, something would work. I was looking for the silver bullet when there was none. Mental health is a bit more complicated than that. 

I had been on anti-depressants/anxiety medication previously and it was mostly situational. I got an extra hand during times that were completely out of my control. See: an absent parent and the trials and tribulations of medical school and residency.

In many ways, I’m in a much better place now than I was then. The fruits of our labors in our careers had just come to reality. We finally were living where we wanted to be and doing just what we had set out to do. 

Thinking I didn’t deserve this point in our lives stuck with me throughout that pandemic. I was an ungrateful nutjob for being sad during the pandemic. The words of the Baby Boomer generation rang through my ears, It could be worse. Focus on the positive.

The shitty results?

Far too long, gritting my teeth and bearing it. Forcing myself through self-care exercises and being a shoulder for everyone else to cry on, while I cried alone, until I trepidatiously tip-toed around and finally raised a slow mo version my white flag.

I think I need help.

Help, for me, looked a lot like talking to my therapist more and also talking to a physician. (Not the one whom I married.)

I’ve had to learn what my life looks like truly taking care of myself even if that means not making an effort in other parts of my life. That was probably the toughest part; forcing myself to stop considering others as much and instead, prioritize thinking of me. What a concept?! Without exaggeration, it’s been a life-saving exercise. 

Which leads me to why in May, I set out for a month-long trip back to England to decompress after the most bizarre 2.5 years of my life.

When I started this business, I had this idea that I would hit a certain goal and take a month off to go back to another place I love: England.

Spoiler alert: I didn’t hit the goal. 

My husband reminded me the goal was arbitrary. It didn’t matter I matter; something I tend to forget. 

One of the things that kept me sane these last 2.5 years was fake-planning where I’d travel to next. Hiking Hadrian’s Wall in northern England was one of them.

Hadrian’s Wall stretches 84 miles, coast-to-coast in England. 

84 miles to recalibrate. To decide what I want and don’t. To remind myself that I am a lovely human. 

Spoiler alert: I completed it! 

It was exactly what I needed. It filled my travel heart while giving me time to digest, step after (muddy) step, all the way across glorious England.

It’s not the first time I’ve seen this monumental Roman structure either. At 17, I stopped to see Hadrian’s Wall during my first time in England. I often wonder what 17-year-old Caroline would think of Caroline now. 

I bet she’d be proud.

When I came home in the middle of June after 18 hours of flights, it proved to be a bit of reverse culture shock.

I set down my bags in our hallway and made my way to my office. Everything was neatly arranged on my desk before I left and still in place. I walked past the cabinet filled with files, notebook and records for my small business. Lists upon lists upon lists measuring my productivity or at times, lack thereof.

My stomach immediately felt that knot of anxiety. My lips pursed a bit.

This is a time capsule I didn’t want to open.

I didn’t recognize this person here, the one that left all these things. 

The person who tried so desperately to perform, who clung onto the edge of life while watching everyone else carry on like she wasn’t dying inside. The one who filled her desk with little reminders of how good she had it while not feeling good inside. The one who felt perpetually ungrateful looking outside at paradise from her desk each day.

Who is she?

I wasn’t her anymore. 

I have a more confident heart than I’ve had in years, a gentleness that offers grace for myself and others, and a firm belief that I don’t need to provide anyone an explanation for who I am. 

Everyone deserves that. Everyone. 

Including you.

Here’s to taking care of ourselves. No matter what that looks like. 

And yes, even if it means hiking 84 miles.

I can’t wait to share more about this journey with you.

Writing Techniques to Improve Focus

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If your ability to sit down and write anything related to your business or school looks more like—SQUIRREL! 

Then welcome, my unfocused friend. I literally just left writing this blog to check on a notification I got, so please know, these are my best techniques. But I'm imperfect, just like you!

So, you're at that crossroads of:

Do I really need to do this?

And

You've been putting this off for <fill in with days, weeks, months and years> so just sit down and write it for God's sake.

As my business is literally built on writing, I've mastered some helpful techniques over the years that get me cranking out the world in no time. 

(Legit, the above 8 sentences took me less than 30 seconds to write.)

Once you get in your flow or learn how to quickly get back into the flow because—OMG ANOTHER DISTRACTION—you can just as happily get the words flowing too.

I use these tips and tricks usually when there’s a task that requires me to write to complete a project:

  • Client brand stories
  • Client website audits
  • Consultation briefs
  • Blogs posts
  • Social media posts
  • Harshly worded emails to a multi-million-dollar company that still hasn't responded to me about something that I never received and paid for, but is most likely gone in the Hawaiian triangle (it exists!) never to be seen again.

(Now we're at 6 minutes since I started writing this blog post)

So, hopefully, whatever you need to write, you can don your writing cap—it's super cute, by the way—more easily by using these techniques. And remember, writing is a practice. I've had to revisit what works and trash the things that aren't serving me plenty of times. 

These are my tried-and-true best writing practices.

Word vomit everything you're feeling into a notebook: 

The best way to do this is writing it all out. There's literally a cognitive connection between writing by hand and starting the flow of words to be able to write a paper or blog post or whatever your business needs at the moment. If it's easier for you to word vomit onto a Google Doc, rather than write, who am I to judge? Go on with your bad self.

This is a technique used from reading The Artist's Way. Many writers or creatives will start their day by writing anything and everything that comes to mind for 15 minutes or enough to fill up 3 written pages. This gets the gunk out of your head and the best part? It doesn't have to make ANY sense. Very often my morning pages are just things I'm complaining about or how my body is feeling. If a bird is chirping, I'll even just write that down. It doesn't have to be a complete thought and it certainly wouldn't be something formal you'd get up in front of a podium to give a speech about. 

Write a shitty first draft and resist editing while writing:

This phrase was coined by my mentor and fantastic writing coach, Jacq Fisch. But, really, get all the words out of there that may or may not be spelled correctly and bust out even a few sentences. 

When I'm writing my shitty first draft, I often look up or away from the computer. This helps my words just flow and prevents me constantly rereading the last sentences or correcting typos and grammatical errors. (Yes, they do happen, even with the professionals.) Doing this has EASILY been the best way to bust through writer’s blocks and just crap out words onto the page. What? It's a shitty first draft, you know? If I need a hot minute, and usually I do, I'll wait to edit my writing until the next day. 

(We're at 15 minutes since starting this post.)

If you're like me and you've procrastinated writing this thing that's been on your To Do list. Then step away for even a half hour and come back to re-read and edit. Once you start noticing that you're back into full-throttle edit mode while you're writing, look up! 

Yup, just look above your computer and keep writing again. Let those words flow magically and know that 1) your computer very often catches spelling or grammar errors and 2) it’s more important to find a gentle wave of words than constantly be interrupted by wondering if something sounds good.

Repeat after me: Write first. Edit later.

Use a timer or the Pomodoro technique:

I've spoken about this before, but these were game changers tips for me, especially coming from an educational background where tests that typically involve essays could take hours. It doesn't have to be like that! Ever, ever again. Unless you're training or studying to be a doctor and for that, may the force be with you. If you ever need someone to sit in misery with over how long that route takes, hit me up. I'm happy to validate it after being by my husband's side throughout his journey. 

Anywhoooo..

(19 minutes now)

The Pomodoro technique is basically a timed exercise of 20 minutes of work with quick 5 minute breaks in between, with a longer 15 minute break after 5 timed sessions. This allows your brain to recognize that you won’t be doing this for hours at a time and to give it a go for a quick set amount of time. Many times that writing task or work biz task that I've been putting off for days or weeks, gets done in one 20 minute Pomodoro session because things SO often do not take as long as we've convinced ourselves that they will take. 

During the 5 minute breaks, I'll stretch or go check social media for a hot minute or even make myself some tea. I always feel so British when I say that. Spot of tea! 

The best part of this technique is that you'll quickly see your brain getting into the flow. It may take a session or two to find the rhythm, but I bet that you'll get more writing done using this technique, than dreading writing and putting it off another day. 

You can download the Pomodoro method chrome extension that I use here.

You simply click the little tomato in your navigation bar and it starts the timer. After 15 minutes another tab will open up in your browser, letting you know that you get a 5 minute break with a cute little bell that rings. From there, you'll click Start Break and the timer will keep track of it and ring another bell at the end of 5 minutes so you can get back to the task at hand.

Another fun device I use, I discovered on TikTok, probably while avoiding work. It's a cube that has 15, 20, 30 and 60 minute timers. 

Once you set the cube face up showing the amount of time you want to spend on a task, the time starts. I do this on days when I have one task that I know will take me longer than the 20 minute Pomodoros. I'm actually even using it right now for this every post. I came back to this post after a day and set my timer for another 30 minutes to bang out the rest of this post.

There's also no way of stopping or pausing this timer once it starts, so if I find myself distracted, I have to tell that thing or interruption to wait. I’m on a timer.

For me, it basically tells my brain, you've sat through longer exams and business meetings than these set times. You can plop your booty down to figure this task out. And more often than not, I’ll see how much time is left because I’m already finished. Get the timer cube here.

(29 minutes)

Take a break!

I realize this seems counterintuitive, but sometimes we get so wrapped up in avoiding the task at hand, that we start doing other things that keep our mind busy. Instead, take a break.

Go on a 20 minute walk. Meditate. I sometimes will stretch or watch half an episode of some trash reality tv show. 

What you want to do is show yourself (and your mind) that you can take a break and also get back to the writing task at hand. As you start doing this more and more, you'll show yourself (and your mind) that you're capable of doing it. 

Plus, it is totally okay to not want to write. 

Say what?!

Sometimes it seems too overwhelming and daunting. If you show yourself some love, I bet that you'll be kinder about starting up the next writing sessions.

Play some soothing music:

I've really experienced trial and error with finding the right playlists for music while writing. I've found that sometimes it totally depends on the time of day and my mood.

I cannot, as much as I've tried, listen to podcasts while writing. I find that I’m rewinding more than I actually listen because…how the hell do you write while listening to someone else talk?! The people who can do that absolutely astonish me. 

So, I've found fun jazz playlists, literally “hotel lobby” playlists which usually consist of some electronic hipster lounge beats and also some yoga/meditative youtube playlists are the best. You can find which ones I like the most below.

The Meditative Mind

Coffee Shop Vibes

Calmed By Nature

Read hard hitting or well-written pieces:

I often surprise people when they hear I don't read too, too much outside of my daily work. 1) because I read so much during the day. Whether that's my own client's words or re-reading and editing my own and 2) I didn't find many fictional genres I enjoyed until I was an adult. The forced reading (that I did do!) in school sort of worked against me as I got older. I've averaged about 10-15 books a year.

I'm inspired by pieces of writing that hit an emotional nerve in me and then inspire me to write something equally as touching. When writers are vulnerable, it gives me permission to do the same. When writers are fun and playful, I want to examine that in my work too.

From blog posts to articles, I'll pull inspiration from journalists and writers who pound the proverbial google doc pavement with their words.

As far as fictional books, I love reading who-dun-it series, as well as historically based books. I've found in the last couple years I've really enjoyed reading WWII books based in Britain. Shocking, I know for those of you who know me well. 

As far as non-fiction, I love memoirs and motivational books.

Reading outside my own writing gives me a good idea that hell, if others can do it, so can I. Plus, I see how creatively people write and it inspires my own writing. 

Forgive yourself and be kind:

If worse comes to worse, and I'm distracted so often and so much that I can't get any writing done. I will table it. Writing and business tasks will always be there. 

Key Reminder: If you force it too much, your reader or boss or client will absolutely be able to tell. My job is very heart-centric. I put a lot of love into these words. If I'm forcing myself to do it, you can tell. Well, at least I can! 

Table it for another day. Tell yourself it's okay and you'll come back to it. Leave in the middle of writing a sentence so you can hop right back in.

From my experience, as long as I've started the task, it's much easier to come back to. Starting is the biggest battle in getting shit done. So if I've at least started writing, I have a place to come back to. 

(1 hour)

As you can see, over 2,000 words and 1 hour later, I’ve got a bonafide piece of writing. I actually used quite of few of the techniques above to finish this very blog post too. It does work. Writing can feel like a monumental task, even for a writer. I’ve found my sweet spot over the years by learning to be kind to myself and trying new things. Happy writing!

The Hard and Wonderful Things We’ve Learned This Year.

By

Flying out of 2021 and looking towards 2022.

Today is Thanksgiving. Well, not when you’re reading this. But, when I’m writing this. 

I’m sitting alone out on my back porch overlooking our tropical backyard. It’s pouring rain. The pitter patter of the water hitting our gutters offers me the type of soundtrack you often bought back in the day when The Nature Store existed. 

Remember that store? 

It was all about earth: its animals, nature and conservation. I bought a Thunderstorms CD back in the day. 7th grade to be exact. (Why the HELL do I remember that, but not what I had for breakfast this morning?) I bought it so I could concentrate while I studied.

Because, for me, studying and being a good student was of utmost importance then. 

So much so that I bought a freakin’ CD of nature sounds to help me study. At 13!

But today the soundtrack is real-life rain, in my own backyard on the Big Island of Hawaii.

Wonder what that 13 year old girl would think of me today? Hope she'd be proud. Life is bizarre y’all. 

I've also been playing this particular song on repeat for the last couple weeks, but especially the last few days. 

In fact, it's playing now while I write this amongst the pitter patter backdrop of rain.

I've been participating in NanoWriMo with the Write Like a Mofo crew this whole month of November. It's basically where you sit down to write every day for 30 days and hopefully bang out a novel. The average novel is 50,000 words. So some people will set their word count for that. I've been writing my blogs, newsletters and new sales pages for Not Your Average Gal. This year I aimed for my word count to be 30,000 words. 

Currently I'm at 23,102 words.

(Spoiler Alert: I hit over 31,000 words.)

What we've found as a group, especially if you're writing a memoir or long-form blogs, is that this whole process can be emotional and cathartic all at once. Writing is the best kind of bitch, you guys.

This particular song has hit a nerve with me especially after writing so much in the last few weeks.

This has been the hardest year for me professionally at Not Your Average Gal. I've grown leaps and bounds in terms of knowing what works and doesn't. Knowing what values I want this business to emulate. Knowing that even if my bottom line doesn't reflect it, I know how to bust ass.

It has also easily been one of the toughest personally for me in my everyday life. The drudgery of an ongoing pandemic has seeped its way into relationships and mental health.

Having the song play on repeat reminds me that I'm not alone in that.

I'm also not alone in the optimism that next year is gonna be better than this either.

That I can simultaneously be so incredibly grateful for all we have, all we've worked for and also, be feeling quite depleted and burnt out, wanting this year to be Over. Yes, with a capital O.

As a writer, I can't say it any more eloquently than this.

It's been really, really hard.

In so many different facets, ways and moments.

I've learned a lot from the hard and wonderful experiences of this year and while I was writing this, I realized how universal these lessons and feelings are. So I wrote this with you in mind too.

If we don't learn from them, we're doomed to repeat them and man, I am NOT letting that happen.

I believe next years gonna be better than this year.

The Hard and Wonderful Things We've Learned this Year.

People are going to people

I've been volunteering at community vaccination clinics since the FDA and CDC approved them. It has been an incredibly rewarding experience, reminding me that people generally want to take care of themselves and their community. When science suddenly became something that was divisive, when my husband's expert opinion and lived-experience was up for debate, I fell into a deep hole of doubting the good in the world.

Much like many, many other people were experiencing, I felt my heart sink each time after seeing misinformation spread and vile, chest-beating slogans be hurled towards school boards, teachers and healthcare workers, including my husband.

Then, this month we were able to start giving vaccines to children and I watched hundreds of children come through our clinic. Some are super excited, skipping through the lines; happy to be able to get back to playdates and sports. Others nervously and understandably looked for reassurance, which I was happy to give.

As I was manning the door directing everyone where they should go, a gentleman walked up to me asking if he could leave through the doorway I was standing in front of.

It was thoroughfare that was clearly marked by a sign “Not an Exit.” I said it wasn't a problem, because I like a good rule breaker.

“Okay. Thank you. I don't want to leave out the real exit and deal with those people. They make me uncomfortable.”

I didn’t know what he meant as I had arrived there earlier than the clinic opened to help set up, so I missed seeing the protesters outside. 

I asked the National Guard personnel if there were protesters and they nodded, pointing to where they were outside. I asked if people could use the door I was standing in front of as an exit and they said it was no problem. Later in the shift they asked me to find a manager to deal with the protestors as they were getting a bit more brazen.

At a kids vaccination clinic.

It immediately infuriated me.

I felt so much of what I've felt this entire year. How? Why? I can't explain science to people this determined to misunderstand. 

But, what changed that day is a testament to what we've all gone through.

I could have gotten wrapped up in the small group protesting outside, yelling at people leaving a clinic after getting vaccinated…or I could remind myself that hundreds more walked through those doors. Many with goofy grins and toothless smiles. (The kids, you guys.)

The good outweighs the bad. 

I'll forever believe that. 

The moment I start sinking into that rabbit hole that it doesn't, I need to make a hard pause and reevaluate.

Worth isn't tied to productivity

Corporate Caroline still lives within me. To the point that sometimes I will literally sit at my desk without a task to do or waiting on a response from someone, just so I can pride myself on “looking productive.” Anyone who has worked in the business world (or a cubical farm) knows that if you have a boss that admires hours in the office vs. actual productivity, you are required to sit even when you may be done with your tasks. A lot of busy work is waiting around for responses and cleaning up your inbox or literally finding more work.

That mindset is why so many of us feel the burnout. 

If I'm done by noon on some days, I will feel this urge to still be at my desk and find things to do. It's a product of Corporate Caroline's past, as well as knowing there will always be something else on my to-do list that could get done. The lists are literally never-ending. Once you've crossed something off, you couuuuuulllllld go and look for that thing that you wanted to explore for your business or outline goals months and years out, brainstorm ideas for your next viral TikTok. As business owners and entrepreneurs, we know this. So we tie ourselves to the productivity train.

But it isn't productive. It actually works against us to constantly feel that there is something else better to do than rest or create for the fun of it or—gasp!—do nothing.

Especially as you'll see in what else I learned this year below, when you don't hit your financial goals, the tendency is to buckle down and work harder, be more productive—produce, produce, produce!

And while there is shred truth behind that, it isn't the end-all be-all, only prescriptive solution for how we fill our days. 

Some of my best business ideas have come from a long run.

Some of my hardest-hitting written pieces have come during a vacation.

Some of the most productive work I do is literally on a plane back from said vacation.

There is a very real reward for rest: the space it allows for being a more productive you.

I have to write HARD STOP time in my daily planner and estimate the time that I will shut my laptop closed based on the tasks at hand that day. Do I usually hit it? Heck no. But when I find myself scrolling or opening another tab because of this idea I had or thing I needed to buy or event I needed to look up…it’s mindless time spent.

I know I’m not making the best use of my time and just trying to fill my time with “productivity.”

Being very intentional with my work time is something I've worked on this year and will be proactive about in the next.

Our value isn't a bottom line

The pandemic has decimated small businesses and while gratefully I didn't see a huge impact the first year, this year has been a bit different. The first things cut in budgets are usually advertising and marketing, so it's understandable. 

I also felt more lost at the beginning of the year than ever. It's no small feat moving from Florida to Michigan to Hawaii while maintaining a business and generally, my flexibility was key. I've survived, even if it means putting in the same grit and effort to often work more for less income than years past. 

My husband’s income is key currently and that really hurts the soul of someone who once took pride in how much she earned and how much she was contributing to the household when he didn’t have one while in medical training. It has affected my self-worth. Still does some days, to be honest. 

As a business owner, you are constantly battling the thought that you could be doing more while also not burning yourself out so much that you don't want to come back to your laptop in the morning.

Add in a pandemic and man, that's been rough. There is always, always, always something more to do or more to learn about doing things more efficiently. Always.

So if you don't stop to take care of yourself, you’ll find yourself crying over broken glass in your kitchen at 10pm at night. (You can read about that here.)

During this wake up call, I had to remind myself time and time again that my worth isn't dependent on the bottom line. I'm a valuable freakin' person with or without the money I bring into our household. You are too.

There's beauty in still getting up, being determined to make this business work when the numbers at the end of your Quickbooks financials aren't where you want them to be. There's a grit in that. So often that's overlooked by landing the big deals. Those are the things to celebrate, right?

But what about getting up knowing today will look exactly like yesterday during a pandemic and still putting in the purposeful effort of trying to make your business work?

Damn, we should celebrate that more.

Slowing down to speed up

I think this is a book. Yup. Actually it is. During frantic days where I feel like my mind is racing with what to do next, I have to tell myself, outloud, “Slow down.”

When I'm rushing to make a sandwich to get back to my desk and frantically finding the bread and lunch meat and cheese and pickles and spicy mustard and knife and plate and…how can we do this faster…and put the sandwich together and put the items back in the fridge and do you want a Diet Coke or no, I should have more water and wait, I forgot to add the cheese! 

In the midst of trying to get all the items back in the fridge I inevitably drop something and spend more time cleaning up the mess than if I had just taken a hot second to make a sandwich. 

“Slow down, Caroline.”

This goes for tasks I think will take FOR-ever and actually don't. If I tell myself to slow down, allot an hour to do it as slowly as I want, it usually doesn't ever even take close to that.

We live in a society where we're judged on how much we get done during a day and this creates such an unnecessary narrative in our heads about moving faster and being more efficient and DID YOU ALSO PUT YOUR ORDER IN FOR CHRISTMAS PIES?! Go! Go! Go!

Phew.

Slow down. 

Nature is healing

As we haven't been able to gather in large groups in Hawaii since we moved here, I've found solace in the alone time of the beauty of where I live. It could be a walk in my neighborhood. Run in the park. Hiking around cliffs. This year more than others, I've realized how much I need to be outdoors to feel a sense of wonder and without sounding too woo, healing. Planting your feet in the grass. Smelling plumeria. Picking the monster Meyer lemons off your lemon tree.

It's grounding. It reminds you how magical this world is and also simultaneously how small you are in this universe. 

Plus, I live on an island where a literal volcano is erupting. Have you ever heard lava moving? I have. It sounds like a methodical whooshing, like a waterfall in slow motion. THAT'S INCREDIBLE. How lucky are we to live on a planet with such remarkable events?

When times get hairy, as they certainly have for every single person on earth this year, it helps to just simply go outside. This is also coming from a person who used to live in the Arctic Tundra, so I know heading out in the cold isn’t exactly awesome. But, even standing on your deck or patio or front steps for a couple minutes, taking it in, is grounding.

Relationships can survive thousands of miles

A huge worry of mine when we moved to Florida for medical school back in 2012, was that the distance would impact some of my friendships. In some instances, it did. But more often than not, those tried and true relationships lasted. 

But a move to Hawaii? 4,500 miles and 5 time zones away? It was a concern, but I’m so grateful for the friends that have bridged the distance and even flown here to visit us! We are incredibly lucky to have such a solid crew that will make the time and effort.

And sends us hilarious pics and videos of their kids asking when they can come to Hawaii. 

Bless.

Now, more than ever, as we bridge the gaps of miles, politics and even the seasons of life, it’s critical to have a solid circle. More often than not, it’s to remind you that you aren’t crazy, but also because this life thing isn’t for the faint of heart. You don’t need a huge crew to remind you either! Knowing that you have even one friend you can both laugh and cry with is soul-healing.

Art is necessary

Fun fact: I used to work in the Art History department at Michigan State University. I even took enough Art History classes that I considered making it my minor. 

When I was younger and laying out my 4-year plan for high school, because that's what you do when you're an overachiever, I had put in enough Art classes to take AP art my senior year in high school. My mother encouraged me to not do that and put in more “practical” classes. She wasn't wrong necessarily, but I really feel a deep connection to art and wonder what my life would feel like with more of it in it.

Cue to this year.

I literally put in my schedule: make art.

Anything from abstract paintings to drawing of pictures I took in Hong Kong and even just staring out my office window wondering what the hell I could create. I don't have any particularly formal training aside from elementary and middle school classes, but simply creating does something to my heart that can't be put into words.

When people talk about getting “in the zone” with their work or even in sports, I think of my time creating art. I get so in the zone that I often forget about time. 

You are not everyone’s cup of tea

I mean, this is the theme of Not Your Average Gal, right? Living your life on your own terms, even if it's waaaaaay beyond the average path people take. 

Someone may not like me, a post I put up, a blog I wrote or hell, that I have an opinion that may be different from theirs.

That's going to happen and sometimes people are surprised by my response to it.

Okay. Good for them. 

More specifically: Good for Her. Not for Me.

(I’ve written about this for years. Here. Here. And here.)

Curate your life, your feed, your circle, your friends, your family, your work, your everyday life into something you love! 

And if that doesn't include me or you, that's okay.

Does it sometimes leave me scratching my head because I'm a ball of freakin' fun? Sure. Does it sometimes hurt? Sure.

But it's not up to me to figure out why someone may talk behind my back, or even block, mute, delete or stop talking to me in real life. 

Guess what? It's not up to you either.

You don't need to waste your time and breath and your precious heart on why people…people. If someone wants to chat with you about it, they will. And for that, come with an open heart and mind. 

Otherwise? Not my circus. Not my monkeys.

Learning not to take something personally unless it’s personally brought to you, is a masterclass in relationships and interpersonal communication.

It also frees up a heck of a lot of time and energy better spent on kinder pursuits.

This year showed me now, more than ever, how important this is considering the divisive environment and quick-to-respond tendencies hurt people are having during a literal pandemic.

Offer grace. Wish them well.

And live your damn life. 

Psst. Sometimes this is exactly what pisses people off. You know, smiling and enjoying your life.

I know it's easy to write off 2021 and I certainly have done as much several times this year.

Sod off, 2021! (Yeah, I yell in an English accent.)

It’s given us a lot of pause to consider what and who is important to us. It wouldn't be me if I didn't at least try to put together some semblance of what we can collectively learn from it. 

I know 2022 has a lot of potential for disappointment as this pandemic seems to be unending.

But, I've got a silly tendency to believe in the magic of this world. I know there are more wonderful moments left to be had.

I've got a lot more living to do too.

Besides…

Next year’s gonna be better than this year
Next year’s gonna be better than this cause
New Year’s Eve comin’ with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this year
Next year’s gonna be better than this year
Next year’s gonna be better than this cause
New Year’s Eve comin’ with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this

Next year’s my come up
I’ve been lackin’ but I can feel that it’s the one
All the last three-sixty-five-one sucked
Like God group texted the world and dumped us
Bah, bah, bah, you better watch my bounce back
I’ma be the man in here
Glass to the sky, like we tryna grab the chandelier
I’d like to take this opportunity and toast to me
For bein ‘exactly who I’m supposed to be
‘Cause life is gonna do what life does


I don’t wanna look back and regret who I was
Let go of the expectations and then fire one
Forget the tally sheet before all my time’s up
And I know I gotta roll with it
I’m well aware the universe doesn’t owe me shit
I know that all of this pain leads the growth, I think
That next year’s gonna be better than this (let’s go)

I’m still an optimist, yeah
I got a lot to live on time
Ain’t foolin ‘that shit’
‘Cause next year’s gonna be better than, better than (go)


Next year’s gonna be better than this year (woo)
Next year’s gonna be better than this’ cause
New Year’s Eve comin ‘with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this

I’m sick of missin’ out, sick of the fear and doubt
I’ma get spiritual soon, live in the here and now
Alone in my room, but you gon’ hear me loud
And clear, let’s start it at the top of the year
I want one last cigarette, one last sip of it
One last secret, one last little bit
One last upper, one last sedative
One last supper with the devil and his relatives
And I was gonna change my ways
I was just waitin’ for that day to pull myself up out of that page
Run that route and make a play, so sick of sittin’ on the bench
It’s finally to get in shape and livin’ like a scrimmage
Thinkin’ that I’ll get another day now, no
I ain’t waitin’ for coach, marchin’ band
I’ma throw and parade in my zone, goddamn
Man in the mirror finally got on, fuckin’ next year
The time is now to press go and I’m gone

I’m still an optimist, yeah (uh-huh)
I got a lot to live on time (yes)
Ain’t foolin ‘that shit’
‘Cause next year’s gonna be better than, better than (go)

Next year’s gonna be better than this year (woo)
Next year’s gonna be better than this’ cause
New Year’s Eve comin ‘with a fresh kiss, yeah
Next year’s gonna be better than this (again)
Next year’s gonna be better than this year (woo)
Next year’s gonna be better than this’ cause
New Year’s Eve comin’ with a fresh kiss and
Next year’s gonna be better than this
Let’s go

Next Years Gonna be Better Than This Year

Performed by Macklemore and Windser
Produced by Ryan Lewis
Songwriters: Ben Haggerty / Brian Wall / Ryan Lewis / Sam Hollander

Not Your Average Gal Services

By

2021 was a year of reframing what sort of impact I'd like to have with Not Your Average Gal.

As most entrepreneurs can attest to, there's a pretty specific pattern: excitement, generating ideas, networking, busting ass, and then maybe an unexpected lull in projects, followed by dread and finally a full-blown existential crisis. Rinse and repeat every 6 months. 

I joined a business mentorship last December and each month, among many other business defining practices, we discussed the nuances of what specifically running a writing business is like. It was the sort of work you do when you want to put a mirror up to your business and examine how you want it to reflect on the world.

One of my goals was to narrow down the services I offered and try new things as a writer that also has a different experience and background with more than just copywriting. 

So, slowly, at my own pace and with that nagging self-doubt rearing it's ugly head every once and a while, I dug into how I wanted to work with clients and the types of services I'd like to offer. I got rid of the old and introduced the new. 

As we peace out to 2021 (gladly, albeit), for the first time in Not Your Average Gal's existence, I'm excited to show you the services I offer here on the blog.

Visibility is key as a small business owner and while I have such a kickass readership—yes, you wonderful soul reading this—many don't necessarily understand what the heck I do for a living outside these blog walls. 

And to think, you and I could work together and we haven't had the chance yet just because I don't talk about it much amongst the backdrop of the blog. 

Let's remedy that, my lovelies.

First, if you're still confused as to what a copywriter is, check this out. It will explain it pretty darn well. A copywriter wrote it, you know.

After resigning from my job as Senior Copywriter and peacing out to the hamster wheel of Corporate America, I expanded Not Your Average Gal from the blog it had been for nearly 10 years, to my main source of income offering copywriting and content writing services.

Over the years, I began tweaking the services I've offered depending on my client or prospective client needs.

What's most interesting, is that within the last year as the Great Resignation has occurred, many of my fierce female pals in the business world have done exactly what I did nearly 4 years ago—left their bosses and became their own by running their own small biz.

That trend had lent itself to expanding my services to also include consultation and strategy because—WHELP—I've been there and done that. Got the scars and tequila tabs to prove it. And man it feels great to help others avoid that!

1/2 Day VIP

Book a Consulting Call with me

Being a small biz owner is overwhelming.

Bounce some ideas off of a small biz owner who has been there.

  • 1:1 consultation for you to ask all the questions
  • Follow-up from me with action items specific to your needs
  • Assistance afterwards, if needed, with: writing those tough emails, creating social media templates, best practices, biz-startup next steps and even breakup letters (a personal fave).
  • Discount package offered for ongoing coaching and assistance with biz tasks

$125

Book your Consultation Call

This year I also introduced my baby:

Not Your Average Gal's Video Bio Service:

It's something I've been wanting to do for years, but didn't quite know how to meld my love of video production with writing. 

Then, one day, while hanging out with newly graduated ER residents and only days before we moved to Hawaii, I had a thought. Specifically about the women my husband finished residency with – we need to hear more about their stories. We need to understand more of the grit it takes to become a physician, and the intricate nuances of being a female in a still male-dominated medical career path.

From there it took about a year of simmering until I came up with it.

A video bio is all about you and your biz so you can connect to your audience, show off your expertise and let your personality shine. I write a script. You shoot some footage. I put the both together in one bang-up showcase featuring YOU. See the full sales page below.

Read More: All about the Video Bio Service.


I still have my regular writing and copywriting services that help define your brand story, get your messaging in tip-top shape and also create the copy you may need from your website to print pieces. 

Take a look at what my regular services looks like.

Website Audits:

These are perfect for biz owners who already have a website up and running but feel like it could use a messaging makeover. Very often when we start our businesses, we don't have the time or budget to hire a professional writer, and more specifically a copywriter, to handle what's written on your website. Then once the ball gets rolling and the biz ball is gaining momentum, you take a look at your site and cringe a bit. 

“Man, that's really not how I'd like it to sound.”

“I know what I want it to say, but not how to write it.”

That's where I step in. 

As a copywriter, I know what to say, how to say it and the best part. Copywriters have the training and experience to use methods that are based on copywriting techniques (meaning: where do people read first on a site, how do I best present pricing?) and best practices for websites based on your brand.

This also means you don't need a redesign! Just a little messaging massaging. Say that 10 times fast.

Woot!

Your Brand Story:

Ideally, you'll want this puppy put on paper before your biz is in full swing. But the reality is, very often we start our small businesses with an idea and then hit the ground running, hoping that some semblance of a brand presents itself. 

I'm here to rescue you from that semblance even if you're years into your biz.

The truth is: Your brand isn't what you think it is, it's what your customers think it is. 

Let's make sure it's telling the right story.  Let's show just how awesome you are in a relatable way full of personality.

Your Brand Story Guide covers precisely what makes your company unique, which also includes your mission statement, brand messaging and even taglines that will clearly and concisely tell your clients and employees who you are. You can use the messaging I create in this guide for so many other things too: About pages, prospective client proposals, new taglines, even social media posts.

Let's get your story on paper professionally and properly.

Testimonials:

This one is FUN because I get to gush about you and your business all day long.

If you clam up when asking customers or clients for testimonials, this service is perfect for you. I create a feedback form for you to provide our clients with tried-and-true techniques (e.g. the right questions to get the answers flowing) and from there, I take it away by creating testimonials for you using their own words.

Your testimonials will be professionally written in a buttoned-up way for you to solidify your expert status wherever you see fit: sales pages, websites, print or just to show to mom so you can prove you do have a job.

This has been a lifesaver for some of my clients!

Other Copywriting Services:

Clients also reach out to me to do: Print pieces, such as brochures or cards. I create all new website copy from scratch. Email newsletter content. Creating copy and content for email nurture sequences or win-backs. Blog content. Video content reviews. Proofreading/Editing.  

The people and brands I work with:

  • Female-owned small businesses
  • Online entrepreneurs
  • Coaches
  • Authors
  • Digital nomads
  • Quick-witted, inclusive brands
  • Anyone located in England
  • Oh yeah, and YOU.

It means a lot to me that the OG Not Your Average Gal readers are here cheering me on. Perhaps I should have shed some more light sooner on what I do outside of creating content for my own blog.

Because if future clients are anything like my current readers, I know we’ll be fast friends. 

Let’s connect!

Take a look at my full scope of services here.

Look at my BRAND NEW Video Bio service here.

I'm accepting 2 clients for the rest of the year or you can get on the docket for 2022!

I’m Here to Validate Your Social Media Break

By

Collectively, we've all considered it.

We've all wondered what it would be like to just peace out and go back to the days when our every move wasn't posted in some form on the internet.

Some people we know have even—gasp—done it!

Social media specifically feels so…smoke and mirrors.

You know those yearly holiday cards we get? The ones where everything comes across as hunky dory?

The thing is, our holiday cards, similar to social media, aren't meant to reveal every skeleton in our collective closet.

It's a chance for us to celebrate the small joys with some cheerful smiles. It feels like a brief moment of happiness. I legit look forward to getting cards each and every year.

Especially because they are special. Holiday cards only come once a year.

But, social media is all day. Every day. In yo' face.

While social media for me was a fun space for storytelling, ones that I enjoyed making people laugh with my sometimes entertaining shenanigans. It has, over time, become somewhat heavy. A reflection of the current state of the world, no doubt.

Over the last year, I found myself posting less and less anyway. Feeling a deep need for more privacy and personal space from the seemingly fake social media rat race of it all.

I naively thought that the deliberate misinformation that was occurring on these online channels was actively being checked. Reigned in. Independent investigations acknowledged.

Then, the Facebook whistleblower gave her testimony on Capitol Hill.

And that was it for me.

I knew I needed to step back and take into account how much time I wanted and needed to spend on social media.

The hard truth is, my entire business is based on referrals. There is something magical about that too. Knowing that my work is recommended enough that former clients hand out my name to friends and family is a wonderful feeling.

There is also something demanding about that too. People know me and recommend me often based on what I've written about that has been shared on social media.

Ah, the catch 22 the Zuck knows all too well.

What happened around the time of the Facebook whistleblower hearing earlier this fall was a perfect storm of sorts in my own life anyway.

Life got in my face asking me what the hell I wanted knowing going back to normal wasn't an option, we're now in the new normal. Buckle up. It was the back to basics session that my heart and mind desperately needed.

I quietly left posting on Facebook and Instagram all together.

I put up an away message on both channels in case anyone needed me for business-related projects.

I deleted the apps off my phone.

I checked in on both sporadically via my computer and sometimes, if I'm honest, on my browser on my phone.

But ultimately, the doomscrolling stopped.

My hive mind was quiet for the very first time in years.

I rested while the world carried on.

Without me.

And it was perfectly okay.

There were FOMO times (described below), but legitimately ask yourself: if the people involved in your life are only seeing and interacting with what you post online and not with you outside of that, are those considered close connections? Are those people who will have your back? Are those people who know everything that is going on in your life?

Sometimes the answer is yes! Sometimes it's…debatable.

And it's okay if it's tough to swallow that reality pill.

It's also totally okay to have close online connections with people who aren't in your day-to-day, pick-up-the-phone life. Gosh, I've made some amazing, life changing connections through social networking.

Some have turned into offline friends too!

Some were friends from years past that our only connection now is through social media. Those are wonderful too!

But if you fear going offline because no one will know what's going on in your world, that's a time to take stock of the relationships you have with people who love you.

And for the record, people do love you.

The Plan Going Forward:

In order to maintain some semblance of control over my narrative, you'll be finding more of my entertaining stories on my email list.

You can sign up here.

I'll still be on social media, but in a much more intentional way. My business dictates a presence there and while I'd like to work my way away from that—as others have proved you can—I'll need a bit more time to see how the next few months play out.

That's the full, honest truth.

It would be great to yank that band-aid off, but since so much of my business IS storytelling, (and I sure do love storytelling), most of it often happens on social channels. So, I need to dip my toes back in slowly before deciding if I want water wings to jump back in or to lay permanently on the beach.

The beach sounds good now, doesn't it?

I always maintained that social media was a positive thing in my life as I used it for sharing life anecdotes or entertaining shenanigans, and connecting with other amazing human beings. But if the pandemic showed me anything, it was how nasty people can be when they are hurting.

And the world is hurting right now.

The doomscrolling turned into me doubting the good in the world and that's not a place I like to set up shop in for long.

So I've curated my feed. Deleted the drama. Followed hashtags that bring me joy. And quieted the noise, albeit probably temporarily.

I'm carving out specific times each week to be on the socials and certain times my phone is down and away from those feisty fingers ready to see what your kids dressed up as for Halloween because OMG THEY ARE THE CUTEST!

How To Limit You Social Media Intake:

If you want to start on the path to living a life more in the present and less about sharing what you've had for lunch, welcome!

So many people feel similarly to you. I've been off social media previously, so take these steps from someone who has been there, done that.

  1. If you're someone who posts, start by seeing how often you have the urge to post. Sit with that for a hot second before tip-tapping away on your phone or keyboard. Very often, for me, it was something funny to share, but it took me out of the present and veered the focus car away from a task I was in the middle of. Once you see how often your brain thinks to share, you'll see how much you're missing in real life. From there, limit what you're sharing to the very best or planned content.
  2. If you're someone who stalks. Wait, there's a better way to say that… If you're someone who doesn't post much but lurks, delete the apps from your phone. No, really. (It doesn't delete your content, just the apps themselves.) Think of this like taking away a pacifier from your kid. You're gonna go looking for it a lot in the beginning, but soon after, you realize you don't need it as much. Plus, if you're like me and need to be on the channels for your biz, limit your time initially to having to log in from a computer.
  3. If you're really taking a hard core break like I have, utilize the away message that FB and Instagram allows for business pages. This is what mine said:
    Hey! I’m taking a social media break. If this is work-related or you’re looking for a fun-loving copywriter who knows way too much about the British monarchy, shoot me an email. caroline@notyouraveragegal.com. The world feels heavy right now — know that we’ll get through this too. Be sure to take care of your kind hearts, my loves. 💛
  4. If you need a social channel for the connection to groups (these are the main reasons I still have a FB account), use the news feed eradicator for Chrome, the time limit option on your phones to limit the amount of time you're consuming or use the Freedom app that I love so much.
  5. If you've found yourself doomscrolling again, offer yourself some grace. These applications are literally designed to be addictive. It's totally okay to reverse course once you can feel yourself being sucked back in and try a different route. Maybe those time limits were too short? Maybe you find you like Instagram better? Maybe you want to have a beer with Zuckerberg and ask, “WTF are you thinking?”

What You May Feel After Limiting your Time on Social Media:

Relief.
I don't need to be everywhere, know everything, see all.the.things and consume each picture and post to still be involved in people's lives.

Happiness.
I can curate my real life feed with things like: art, cooking, reading and watching a damn show without scrolling social media.

FOMO.
I've definitely had to tell people I don't know what they're talking about because I didn't see their post. Guess what? It's totally cool. I got filled in and we moved on.

Boredom.
I'm not quite sure what to do with my hands when I'm tasked with filling the time I'd normally be scrolling, with…real life things. The funny thing is, I figured it out pretty quickly by meditating or reading. My resting heart rate also decreased 10 points in just one month of being off and focusing on…me.

Forgiveness.
I've had to promise myself that I wouldn't be mad about seeing how much time I've spent of my life on social media. Once you start seeing it after being off it, it can be upsetting. It's okay!

What To Do Next:

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Take inventory of what you're consuming. Does it make you feel good? Does it toss you down the rabbit hole of envy, anger or sadness?

Know that with or without limiting your social media, you will be okay.

For me, it boiled down to where I wanted to spend my time and how my body felt about that.

Limiting my social media showed me I made the right choice.

Your “right choice” may be very different.

P.S. To those of you who noticed my absence and reached out to me, thank you. While it seemed I quietly left the social media party like any good Irish goodbye does, it was more-so an intentional signing off on my part. I didn’t feel the need to put up a post about what was going on. Still don't, in fact. That may have felt abrupt based on some of the concerned messages I got. Let me tell you, for a middle child whose parents have forgotten her birthday, you reaching out to say you missed me meant a lot. I see you. I hear you. I love you for saying that I mean something in your life. Thank you. Now, go carry on with your day before I get all emotional typing this out alone on my kitchen island.