Not Your Average Gal

Copywriter. Content Creator. Constant Sassypants.

Mental Health

Canceling our Trip to Southeast Asia & How Things Will Get Better

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I’m not sure where to begin, so I’ll just dive into the vulnerability pool. It’s been a whirlwind 6 days of emotionally epic proportions. Life has a freakishly maddening way of reminding you that you aren’t in control of anything…even a trip you’ve been planning for 6 months.

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It’s safe to say that medical school is tough; perhaps even the toughest educational path to partake in and complete. Do not take that word ‘tough’ lightly. Med students possess only a shred of the stamina and dedication I could ever muster up even in my happiest, “This is my passion!” kind of moments. (Side note: My “This is my passion!” moments usually involve sipping a Mai Tai on a beach.)

There are certain sacrifices you make as a med student spouse that go completely unnoticed by nearly everyone. Silent rearrangements of plans. A casual protector for why he isn’t there or hasn’t called back. Living with the constant unknown of where the next year or two or four will take you. Pulling out your best motivational speeches even when you’re looking for some yourself. Wearing your game face in an atmosphere of constant underlying stress. Juggling multiple life goals, career paths and dreams while still trying still to find time to change the damn toilet roll. Lonely nights. Lonely weeks. Lonely holidays. Master ninja glasses taker-offer when he’s fallen asleep.

Med school tests your willingness to make sacrifices nearly every day.

Our trip will just have to be one of them. It’s just as simple and as sad as that.

Stress has a tendency to sneak up on you and remind you it was always simmering slowly anyway. Even if this trip had been in the works for about 6 months, you never know just how you’ll feel prior to departure. Without going into details, the rigors of med school essentially reared it’s ugly head. I found out last weekend just how much.

Balance is key. Hell, I think I’m funny as all get-out, (I mean, c’mon, I named my boobs Ginger and Spice in high school for God’s sake) but sometimes there isn’t as much of a need for humor in a situation like this as there is for a good ol’ regular schedule. While I’m pretty good at taking care of myself so I can be the best version of me possible, the pressure of med school is unyielding; often making it tough to be able to take necessary, healthy, healing breaks. The appropriate decision was to cancel the trip to encourage this regularly while studying, in a routine that wouldn’t be possible while traveling.

The hubster’s health, happiness and sanity matter more to me than any trip. Sure he’s my best and favorite travel partner. But sometimes you have to take off your (adorable) travel partner hat and be the life partner he needs.

Like I’ve mentioned here, planning this trip has been my refuge from stress. (I’ve cried in my work bathroom more times than I care to admit, so I don’t do it at home.) Perhaps excitingly planning this trip was my sanity check and kept me at a safe distance from the stress of witnessing the hardship of med school? Perhaps that was the only purpose it needed to serve? And, quite frankly, it served it well.

I’m slowly going through the process of canceling flights, hotels and tours and returning things to stores that we now won’t need. (I didn’t want those matronly looking white capri pants anyway…) There are frustrating rebooking fees associated with redepositing airline miles and points, not to mention the non-refundable things already paid for. I’ve become an expert at asking for a portion of the fees to be taken off, Delta for instance, was awesome. We had 5 flights booked, 3 of which were on award tickets. We won’t be reimbursed for the 2 we paid in cash, but the redeposit fees for our award tickets were significantly lower after a nice Silver Medallion Delta rep took the reigns to see what she could do. I’m currently investigating travel cancellation insurance we have, but we’ll see what, if anything, is covered.

But guess what? It’s just money. That’s it. Just money.

It’s not all sunshine and unicorns farting rainbows. I didn’t have this perspective immediately. I’ve had my moments in this whole deal. I actually said this week when we were talking about med school, “You know this isn’t easy for me either?!” I stomped my feet just like you’re imagining, too.

In the throes of seeing my husband dealing with more than I can imagine and knowing our trip was going to need to be canceled, I started making a mental list of the pros and cons of this present situation. Call it a coping mechanism or relics from therapists of the past - it works.

Pros

  • I have a ton of unused PTO now
  • I’ve been putting off going to the dermatologist, now I can go sooner
  • Teen Mom 2 starts next week!
  • I can focus getting more blogs written ahead of time
  • We may be able to go on a shorter vacation
  • I could do a solo travel trip before the end of the year that both excites and scares the living shit out of me
  • I can practice and play with our new GoPro more
  • I have an ungodly amount of unused miles and points now
  • When we do end up going back to Southeast Asia (even years from now), I know exactly what to plan
  • I lost 3 pounds from stress this past weekend. (I’ll take it. It’s a judgement-free zone here, folks.)

Cons

  • Not spending quality time exploring with the hubster. To put it into perspective, I probably won’t be able to travel with him for longer than a weekend until at least July of 2016.
  • Not seeing the temples of Bagan, Myanmar. I had dreams about quietly exploring that part of the world that hasn’t been totally ruined by tourism yet. By the time we go, it just may be.
  • No lie-flat first class experience for us
  • No delicious curries
  • Being unable to shoot the videos I had pictured in my head. I even had a song chosen for the montage.
  • Being immersed in totally different cultures and reveling in it.
  • I still have to unpack because, of course, I already packed.

Traveling is an integral part of who I am; it feeds my soul. I will get a chance to feed that, it will just be at a later date and not the trip I had been planning. It may be a solo trip. It may be a long weekend with the hubster. It may be another girls trip to Europe. It may be 3-4 days on an island nearby named Cuba. Who knows? It just won’t be happening right at this very instance.

Life sometimes just won’t allow for it to be planned out 6 months ahead of time and that’s okay. Things will get better. This will eventually be a blip in the radar of life. Years from now, I’m sure we’ll look back at the end of the 3rd year of medical school and admire how we got through it. Smile at how close it brought us. Laugh at how trivial wanting a damn good dish of curry could be.

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Now for a special shout-out to you guys, my readers. I know your life doesn’t revolve around our now canceled trip, but I know you would have enjoyed the posts and for that I’m sorry. I promise to continue to update my arsenal of posts from past travels and life anecdotes that I haven’t told you about yet.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need a Mai Tai and a beach.

Fear Disguised as Practicality

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feardisguisedaspracticality

There is a wonderful speech Jim Carrey gave at Maharishi University of Management’s graduation. I encourage you to watch it in full, but this particular portion below is quite inspiring. Take a moment to watch:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ajMpfPYlHi4

I’ll wait.

You back?

Good, right?

There are moments in my life where I could have chosen or was well on my way to choosing a more practical path, even if my heart was tugging in a different direction. I vividly remember sitting with my father a couple years after college, going over my finances and budgeting so I could make a down payment on a condo eventually.

“It will be tough. But you’re doing well, kiddo. I’m not worried about you.”

Remember when the economy took a rough tumble? The real estate market crashed. Wall Street threw up over everyone’s stocks. I lost my job. Many people lost their jobs. I could have easily been like so many people, stuck with a mortgage in a shit economy with no hope of selling in the near future.

It was a lucky break. I hadn’t seriously started looking into buying a condo yet when it happened.

Why the heck would I want to do that when I bought my car right after college, instead of leasing, just in case I landed a job abroad and I’d have to break a car lease. Yes, that’s how much I wanted to move back to London after I had my internship there and was forced to come back to the states a broke college grad with an expensive degree to start paying back.

If I couldn’t commit to a 3 year car lease, why the hell would I even look into buying a condo a couple years later then?

Fear.

Fear disguised as practicality.

Real estate was the American Dream. It was what you were supposed to do.

Living abroad again? Where will you settle down if you’re not in the U.S.? What would you do for the holidays? How can you live a fulfilling life without the picket fence and 2.5 kids? Why would you want to do that?

I just knew I did, but the fear of not doing the standard thing tugged at me for a brief moment and I thought I should save for a condo.

Baby Jesus I’m glad it never worked out in hindsight. The universe is such a crazy beast.

My point in all of this is, on many, many different levels society gently whispers and asks you to do the standard thing and if you’re not feeling it, I mean really feeling it…there’s a reason. As Jim Carrey said in that speech, you can still do all the right things, make all the right decisions, provide exactly what is asked of you and you can still get laid off. What a total fucking slap in the face.

You can fail at what you don’t want, so you might as well take a chance at doing what you love.

Do you know how many absurd things I’ve heard in regard to my travels, even this most recent trip coming up?

  • MYANMAR? Why don’t you go somewhere normal?
  • Dogs have rabies there. I hope you don’t come back frothing at the mouth.
  • Southeast Asia again? You guys must really like being weird.
  • You know you could stay home and visit other people instead?
  • You have your whole life to travel. You don’t have to do it now.
  • That seems so extravagant for this point in your life.
  • I wish you wouldn’t go so I don’t have to worry.
  • You must be millionaires. I’d rather spend my money on solid investments.

Thank God we don’t make our travel decisions based on what other people think of us, right?

Hey, buck-o. Same goes for you in any garden-variety decision you may have in your life. There is not one specific path you need to take and settling for the easy way because of money or pressure from the peanut gallery promoting practicality over your own damn way of doing something is just:

fear disguised as practicality.

I’m not saying do anything rash here like jump out of plane without a parachute because that’s a practical thing to wear. That would make you stupid. And dead. I’m saying if people are running their mouths about their own damn fears for you, which are often conveniently disguised as practicality, take it, put it in a little box, wrap a bow on it and toss it under the “Couldn’t Care Less Tree” for someone else to open and carry.

If I listened to every nasty, unsupportive comment said about getting married in England, we wouldn’t have shared a once-in-a-lifetime experience.

If I listened to my grandparents tell me to not build too many castles in the sky, I wouldn’t have taken that life changing internship in London.

If I listened to traditionalists who said we should have a normal wedding registry, we’d never have taken our eye-opening honeymoon to Thailand and Cambodia.

If I listened to Jillian Michaels, I’d have better arms.

Wait a second…

Don’t live your life believing something isn’t possible because it isn’t practical. Conservative choices can still disappoint you.

Dare to ask the universe for what you want. 

Why do I Wait for a Weekend Alone to Take Care of Myself?

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Want to hear something fun? I fainted last Saturday. As in, “Oh deary me,” place a hand up to the forehead and gingerly collapse. Except it wasn’t nearly as graceful I’m sure.

Of course I had to be in my bikini and cover up when it happened. (When I finally came to and stood up, I had a wedgie the size of Florida that suddenly created a new thong. Hooray for showing the restaurant your ass!)

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About 10 minutes before the giant wedgie occurred.

 

Preface: The hubster, our friend and I were at the beach for about a half hour. After one beer, we decided to go to grab a good ol’ slushie from Fat Tuesdays (I had to pick FAT TUESDAYS of all places to faint). Suddenly, without warning, I got very hot. Cold sweats set in and I asked for a water. The hubster came back with one and after I had a sip of it, my vision started going and BAM. I was out. Like any sober girl at Fat Tuesdays would be. Son of a…

After a gamut of weird tests yesterday, the doctor says my ticker is okay. I was probably dehydrated. Blood work all came back healthy too. She may want me to follow up with a cardiologist so I can share the fun story all over again. “Yes. I was at Fat Tuesdays. No. I wasn’t drunk.”

Don’t ask the hubster about it. I gave him a good scare. Don’t ask our friend about it. He’ll tell you I apologized about the whole thing an obnoxious amount of times. As any guilt-ridden child does.

The whole thing freaked me the fuck out. Do you know what it’s like to literally feel your body shut down within seconds? I could only grasp onto the table before it was lights out.

I’ve questioned myself about it a lot, as any introspective person does. Why did my body give out on me? Why did it get so stressed? Am I that stressed? Juggling too much? Is this my body’s way of telling me I really do need to go to bed by 11pm?

No. I was probably, more than likely, just dehydrated. But it made me wonder about how full my plate is. While it is organized, my schedule could sure use some reprioritizing.

The hubster is leaving for a bachelor party this weekend which has my mind racing full of things that I can get done while I’m alone.

Normal things:

  • This blog
  • Cleaning, errands
  • Southeast Asia Trip planning
  • Finances
  • Online class (I’m taking a writing/business course)

Fun things:

  • Chick flick
  • Singing in my Spice Girls t-shirt (pants optional)
  • Reading by the pool
  • Going for a long walk

If the hubster is home ZERO of the above fun things get done. It has nothing to do with him. I can’t tell you how much he encourages me to just STOP. Hammer time. (Sorry. Had to.) But there’s this internal obligation in my head to be working on stuff for me or us or work, rather than taking time for the fun things, just for me.

Why?

What I’m most looking forward to this weekend is not having a demanding schedule, which is truly only a schedule I dictate to myself.

My schedule during the week is pretty full and not unusual from yours, I’m sure:

Leave the house for 11-12 hours for the office, get home between 7-8pm, have a good 2-3 hours to get your everyday-life duties finished and write a blog and maintain friendships and family relationships and check your work email and finish up projects so you don’t walk into more work the next day and maybe if you’re lucky squeeze in a quick, few sentences of a book you’ve been meaning to finished before…boom. Done.

I literally have an item on my to-do list on my iPhone from 2012 to “finish reading self-esteem book.” It’s been on there for nearly 3 years because everything else in my life is clearly more important than a book about improving my self esteem.

I mean, really?

I need to better prioritize me. Fit me into the to-do list. Prioritize time for things that fill me with energy and not feel guilty about it.

I’ll do it just after I finish wrapping up this freelance project that I’m on deadline for tomorrow…

One Month: No TV Conclusion

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In March, I decided to give up TV for the entire month and on March 18th, I cracked. I watched the 2 hour reunion of Vanderpump Rules. Worrrrth it.

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Jokes aside, that month taught me a lot about how easily distracted I am by television. The only other time I watched TV all month was watching Michigan State play twice, even though I said I wouldn’t. Oh ahem. GO GREEN! I was honestly surprised they made it that far in the NCAA basketball tournament, so I allowed the exception.

Like an addict.

I think the best way of describing not having TV in my life would be: quiet. I got ready in the morning with just a radio, something I hadn’t done since high school. When the GermanWings plane crashed, I listened to the TV news while I was getting ready (a condition I said I would allow if bad news happened). But I immediately noticed how quickly I was sucked in, standing there, just watching.

Like an addict.

(Ironically, I’m watching Intervention while writing this.)

When April 1st came around, I had basically 10 hours of shows DVRed. 10 HOURS. Did I watch them all so far? Of course. Ha. Except that’s not really funny.

I could have been reading the book I started reading. I could have been dancing in the kitchen while making dinner. I could have planned out future blog posts.

All more productive than watching mindless television and all things I did last month when television wasn’t around.

Things I’ve learned:

  • I’m more aware of how TV can suck me in for 5, 10 or 60 minutes.
  • I can live without it and didn’t miss anything life changing.
  • I can multi-task and watch TV while doing something else, but turning off the TV makes me accomplish that task 10x faster.
  • I have a major Bravo TV addiction.
  • I noticed that without TV other distractions payed a bigger role: Facebook.
  • Reading before bed helped me sleep better.

So there it all is in total honesty.

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Would you be able to give up television or something you know is a total distraction?

One Month: No TV

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In January, I listed some of my goals for 2015. Since I’m a glutton for punishment, one of those goals included giving up TV for a month. I know what you’re thinking.

You’re totally going to miss the 3rd season of House of Cards.

I know, I know.

I’m currently trying to remedy that situation by binge watching as many episodes as I can.

I also didn’t choose a great month because of NCAA March Madness and considering I’m an alumni of Michigan State University, this could be especially tough. That said, the Final Four and Championship are in April, so if my Spartans perform as expected, I may not miss them play.

So why am I giving up TV for one month?

In short, to bring more focus. You have to keep in mind, I spend a majority of my day writing, wracking my brain to come up with some creative copy, editing countless projects and proofing things on the fly before they go live. Sometimes the only thing my brain can handle when I get home…is mindless TV.

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Unfortunately, that mindless TV can turn into a distraction when I’m trying to be productive. The hubster jokes that I’m unable to watch a movie without doing something else. He’s totally right. I’m usually reading an article, writing on the blog or researching something on the internet.

But think of how much more productive I could be without trying to multitask while paying attention to the TV and complete whatever I’m working on. Plus, I may actually finish reading a non-travel related book this year!

So, that’s why.

I realize that some of you may be thinking that giving up TV may seem like such a first world problem. Guess what? It is. I’m totally aware of that and I’m hoping that giving up TV adds a bit more to my life than the Real Housewives does.

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Just for clarity sake, I sometimes joke that I wasn’t raised by wolves, I was raised by TV. It has very much been my refuge when things are tough or I want to escape. Sure that’s embarrassing to admit, but the reality is I’m sure some of you can identify with that.

Hey, intravenous drugs could have been my refuge. So, winning?

A few conditions:

This month is more about not actively watching TV.

  • We have a social life (shocking, I know). If we’re at a restaurant or bar, I won’t be asking them to turn off the TV.
  • The hubster likes to fall asleep to the mind numbingly awesome show, Forensic Files. If it’s on when I go to bed, I won’t be asking him to turn it off. I’ll read or set the sleep timer.
  • If I don’t finish watching House of Cards, I may have to complete it since it’s my duty as an American. Plus, Netflix isn’t TV, right?
  • If a national or international disaster occurs, I will turn on the news.
  • Funny YouTube videos don’t count. Especially squirrel videos.

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Wish me luck. Say a prayer. Send Starbucks.

Would you ever give up TV? How long do you think you could do it?

 

You seem so happy.

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conan

Recently, I’ve had close friends, friends I haven’t spoken with in years, former colleagues and even acquaintances tell me that I just “seem so happy.” I’m not kidding when I say I’ve gotten emails, text messages and Facebook messages about this little blog letting me know how great it is (thank you!) and how happy I seem.

It got me thinking.

What about my life has changed that has made me so happy? Was it anything in particular? What could I narrow it down to? I was surprised at how easily I summed it up. That tends to happen when you’re the introspective-type. It truly came down to 2 things.

  1. Pushing past my comfort zone.

  2. Backing away from negative people in my life.

(Did you think I’d say having the man of my dreams by my side? While he contributes to my happiness, if you’re looking for a dude to find your happiness, you’ll always be searching for it.)

I digress. Those 2 items seem so easy, right? The reality is it’s been a culmination of years of being aware of this and consciously working towards it. It’s the product of a perfect storm of sorts in my life from years ago. I wasn’t always happy. I even look back on some of the things I said in my cloud of negativity and cringe. My spirit was broken. I was truly and utterly lost. I wrote about it here.

 

Pushing past my comfort zone

In July of 2012, we moved to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. Read: The hubster started medical school and dragged me kicking and screaming. I was miserable our first few months here. I felt like I’d never adjust, I couldn’t ever fit in, I’d never stop sweating in the humidity and that I’d forever be the nice, midwestern gal begging for good customer service that is lacking in South Florida. I missed my friends and thought they had forgotten about me. I missed the comfort of being home.

The truth was Ft. Lauderdale was my new home and I needed to get used to the new comfortable. My new comfort zone.

pushing through your comfort zone

2.5 years later and I can’t imagine leaving this place.

Sure, the drivers here still scare me. Sure, I have to move mountains to get some projects done that depend on a customer service response.

But, I now love it here. It has forever changed me, in such a good way.

For someone that lived abroad alone, I sure carried around my security blanket of my own little apartment and circle of friends nearby. So moving 1,500 miles pushed me out of my comfort zone.

pushing past your comfort zone

I’m so incredibly thankful it woke me up, showed me that I needed to change.

You see, living in Michigan became incredibly predictable. I never had aspirations to move back to the city I grew up in and start a family and, for lack of a better phrase, “settle down,” like some of my friends did. These are very happy people too! It happened slowly over time, but in what felt like a blink of an eye, I was on the outside; not having babies, not being married, not looking for a mortgage.

It didn’t interest me.

I felt slowly nudged out because I couldn’t offer much in what the conversation had changed to. I realize now that friends can maintain friendships while being married and having babies. But for the ones who couldn’t—I took it personally. I wasn’t invited to playdates (where most of my girlfriends socialized) because, well, hey, I lacked a kid. I wasn’t invited to weekends away because my then boyfriend, now husband, and I didn’t have kids. And yes, I was told as much. Perhaps we’d be the odd couple out? I’m not sure. Either way, it hurt. But these were my friends, my comfort zone.

In the 6 months before we moved, I realized the writing was on the wall with some of my friendships. Of course dynamics change with marriages and babies, but I was at the point of wondering if some people would even say goodbye to us when we moved.

I needed a change and, man, moving sure puts friendships in perspective.

It was a harsh reality, especially the longer I was away and with the huge milestones I had like: landing a job I love, getting married and traveling more.

The universe pushed me out of my comfort zone to the beaches of Ft. Lauderdale and showed me just what could happen.

Authentic friendships survived. New friendships blossomed. I traveled more, even alone in Portugal. Blogging once again took a front seat in my life.

Once that ball started rolling, it hasn’t stopped. Making one change set everything in motion.

I promise if you focus on pushing through your comfort zone (even kicking and screaming) beautiful things will happen.

pushing past your comfort zone

 

Backing away from negative people in my life.

As my tune changed with pushing through my comfort zone, I became more confident. Especially in my ability to know who was a good, supportive nugget in my life…and who wasn’t. In reality, I probably thought more of some relationships than the other person did. Hey, it happens.

It was all excuses for some, one after the other as to why support wasn’t given, why it was so tough to coordinate beforehand, why a call or text wasn’t made…why they didn’t show up. The silence often spoke louder.

It was then I realized it was all negative noise.

deposits

I had to back away from these relationships. Know and love how they once were, forgive (or try to) feeling taken advantage of and move on. This is something I still struggle with. People who constantly take advantage, whether they realize it or not, can suck the soul out of a relationship.

It was time to let go. Not in callous way, just appreciating the lessons learned; waving goodbye while smiling at the good times that were had.

I had to learn, the hard way, as anyone who is a glutton for hoping things change or the other person will finally understand, that some people are just plain toxic. Even family.

You know those people who no matter how much advice you offer, how often you try to make them feel special, how many times you go out of your way to help, they will always and forever be their own worst enemy? They aren’t worth your frustration.

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I worried so much about burning bridges that I kept a toxic person in my life at the simple cost of my confidence and often, my health. I’m here to tell you it isn’t worth it. You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you’re cutting him or her out if all they bring into your life is strife and a constant character assessment that leaves you wondering if you’re a good person.

You are. I promise.

You are allowed to walk away.

You are. I promise.

toxic people

You know those relationships you have in your life that pop into your head when something goes wrong? “Oh, great. I can just see so-and-so laughing at me and my misfortune right now.”

Cut the negativity out. Why surround yourself with such judgmental asshats?

I have personally experienced what it feels like to work hard for great goals, only to be reminded on a consistent basis that someone “wishes things like that happened” to them or even things I’ve accomplished being met with some snarky, cynical, gloomy reactions.

Back away. Back slowly away.

People go through bad phases, sure. Just keep in mind if your happy life is being belittled by someone, it speaks more about them than you.

In the couple years that I’ve made the conscious decision to leave the negative noise, I cannot tell you how positive the change has been. It’s honestly hard to put into words. Pushing it out opens up so much more room for productive, positive feelings. I’m genuinely happy when I see or hear good things happening to my friends.

When my husband started dating me, he fell in love with a confident, well-spoken, outgoing woman and sadly years ago he also witnessed as I withered away into negativity, surrounding myself with unreliable relationships. He is the first to point out the change or, perhaps to put it better, the leveling of the playing field with my choices.

I am so much happier because I know I am enough. Me. Caroline. As I am.

You are too. I promise.

enough

I try not to reflect on my travels outside of travel-specific posts, but the most important thing traveling has taught me is how little you need to be happy. If you spend any more than one mili-second dwelling in your comfort zone or negativity, it’s one mili-second too long.

(Sure, I need to take my own advice on that sometimes too. I’m not perfect.)

Just know that all it takes is one step towards pushing your limits; making one change can set everything in motion towards a world full of happiness that you without a doubt, wholeheartedly,  deserve.

You do. I promise.