Mommy, when I grow up, I want to wear this same exact costume on Halloween! Except shorter and showing my cleavage.
Have you noticed it in recent years? It’s an epidemic!
Halloween is lacking creativity.
No, I’m not talking about lacking creativity because you bought a costume last minute at Halloween USA. Whatever, it happens. I’m talking about costumes that are basic in nature but “exude” creativity because the person looks like a hussy! (You have to say that in your best grandma voice for it to be most effective.)
There’s the obvious sexy costumes. You know, the ones that are meant to sexy, like a Playboy Playmate. It may not be on my top 10 most creative costumes. Nevertheless, if you’ve got it and want to wear it – work it!
But, very often these costumes are historically inaccurate, incredibly sexist and make me feel very uncomfortable. Yes, I realize how old I just sounded right there.
For me, it’s always been about making something funny. For God’s sake I was a freakin’ tissue box for Halloween in 6th grade.
How’s THAT for sexy, gentlemen?
So let’s take a walk down Lots o’ Skin Lane and explore some of these fantastically creative costumes. Shall we?
The 10 Worst Slutty Costumes of the Year:
1. Sexy Watermelon
Oh yummy! I want to know what went on during the marketing board meeting for this one.
Now let’s convince them that fruit can be sexy. Yes. Now let’s save money on materials and take a bite out of the costume. Yes! Brilliant!
Better act fast, ladies. It’s a limited edition!
2. Jane Doe DOA Body Bag
Because death is suuuuuper sexy. Me-ow.
3. Sexy Bert and Ernie costumes
I’m not sure about you, but sexualizing children’s characters isn’t creepy at all!
4. Remote Control costume
Hey baby, wanna press some of my buttons? Ugh. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
5. Chinese Take Out
The strategically placed “Thank you” and “Enjoy” are classic. Oh, and racist.
6. Courageous Lioness costume
I played Glenda the Good Witch in the Wizard of Oz in 3rd grade. Pretty sure our lion didn’t resemble something Snooki would wear to Karma.
7. Sexy Banana
What is with the fruit, people!? Are these the Fruit of the Loom guys’ slutty mistresses?
8. Igloo Cutie Sexy Eskimo costume
I would venture to guess that would not keep her warm in the Alaskan tundra. Just a guess.
9. Miss Kruger costume
Freddy Kruger was actually a seductive chick?! Mind. blown.
10. Grand Slam Baseball Beauty costume
Hey! You forgot your baseball cleats. Oh yeah. And your pants!
Happy Halloween, my friends!